Tag Archive | relationships

the need for closure

Mar22

For some reason, this week I seem to want to focus on blogs and blogging. Another topic came to mind as I was going through my bookmarks to read “my blogs”–the need for blog closure.

What I mean, is that every once in a while, I’ll go to check up on a blog only to find out that a) the blogger just hasn’t posted anything new in a while (I always find it funny/sad when a blogger refers to an old post, I read it and check out the comments, like a comment so much I go to check out the blog, and see that the last post was months ago. I know better to “attach” so I move on). b) the blogger has made an announcement about how their blog will continue or not, and c) the blog is gone. WordPress comes up with a “This blog has been deleted” and I’ve seen equivalents on other platforms.

Of these three possibilities, a and c make my heart sink a bit. I wonder what happened to the blogger. Is everything okay? Why did they stop blogging? (and if they had commented on my blog, often their commenting disappeared as well…). The lack of explanation puzzles me. I find I need, well, closure.

Once or twice, I’ve managed to find a blogger’s new blog…sometimes by accident, sometimes by design (blogger left a “bread crumb” post telling readers where to find them). The other week, I went looking for someone who, last I knew, posted in the fall. And she had indeed left a note to go to another blog….a new blog that talked about all the changes that had taken place in her life (thereby changing the her blogging direction). I was happy to see that she was okay, but decided not to comment…maybe because I feel like she made the decision to leave me behind (I’ve had bloggers contact me to say something to the effect of  “I disappeared for a while, but I’m back and here’s where to find me”). And it was clear she was doing just fine without me :-) .

I’ve also felt like these changes come in waves…there have been several times where I felt that I every post I read was about how it was time to “step away” from the blog, leaving me to search for new bloggers to bookmark (of course, once or twice, people who have “stepped away” were back in days. The lures of the blog were too strong).

It’s definitely an interesting dynamic. Obviously, we all have lives and obligations in our non-blog worlds that can and do pull us away from writing, reading, and commenting on posts. I find it takes me a while to really “get” that the blog I used to enjoy is no more. Usually I would keep the bookmark just in case the blog reappeared. But, I’m changing my ways. This past week, when I got a “deleted” screen…I took the blog out of my bookmarks as well.

The reality is sometimes I have to make my own closure.

Have you had any experiences with “disappearing” blogs or bloggers? What were you reactions?

twentysomething tales

Oct9

Continuing my “I’m about to turn 40 so I need to look back at the decades of my life” musings. [I'll warn you now, as I read this over, my twenties were a bit of a bummer. . . I prefer my posts to be on the lighter side than this for the most part.]

So, I turned 20 while spending my junior year abroad in England. Being able to do this had been a goal of mine and I was fortunate to have friends in programs all over Europe, so I got to travel around during the breaks. My time in England was amazing, and it was such a letdown to have to go home in the end. I had never thought about my life in terms of what I would do after my junior year abroad…so I was unprepared for the post-England funk that followed me through my senior year in college. I did have the “turning 21″ experience..but since I’d been in Europe the year before, it wasn’t quite the thrill it might have been otherwise.

After graduating, I was fortunate enough to be able to go back to Europe, and managed to stay in England for another year and then went to Prague for two years teaching English (pretty easy to find Americans who lived in Prague in the mid-to-late 90s)! But, in my twentysomething mind, the years were passing..and I found myself 22, 23, and 24….knowing that I would be 25 soon and that I needed to “do something with my life,” I came home and embarked on being a responsible adult.

About six months later, I landed my first full-time job. It turned into a pretty horrible experience. I thought my abilities were underutilized, but didn’t express myself well (I suspect I came across as entitled and sarcastic…), and I realized after being embarrassed by my bosses and passed over for promotions several times, that this was not the place for me. I had work friends, but sometimes I felt very locked in (like I had to go to lunch with the same people every day, and needed a solid excuse not to. I also experienced my very first “frenemy” there ["You look good in that outfit. It's slimming."])

In the meantime, at 25 I got my own apartment and took on the responsibility of adopting a cat of my own.

such a great cat (left white fur everywhere)!

At 27, I started job number 2. There I had the opposite problem to job 1. I didn’t express myself at all. I barely spoke to anyone and kept to myself. This was not the best approach because the bosses almost forgot I was there. I also made a huge mistake by dating a colleague…one who was literally 20 feet down the hall from me. It didn’t last long, but it was painful (fun fact, he’d been doing the “acting distant” thing hoping I’d take the hint. One day after leaving work confused, he called me to dump me…then I got to see him every day for another two years..and he ended up trying to date or dating other colleagues. Fun times). By this time I was 28, 29, and pretty sure the real fun times were behind me. I was a ball of stress and anxiety…and didn’t realize that my coping mechanisms (outbursts of rage, overexercising and undereating [anxiety] weren’t healthy).

About six months before I turned 30 I got pneumonia, which to put it mildly, kicked my ass. I didn’t have to go to the hospital but it shocked me how quickly I got sick and how long it took me to recover. It was several months before I had certain registers of my voice back. This experience made me a lot more thoughtful about how I took care of myself.

And of course, 10 years ago, as I was approaching my 30th birthday, 9/11 happened. Like everyone else, I grappled with how to process and understand what happened that day, and like many people, it made me think more about my life and what mark I wanted to make as I moved into my 30s.

Writing this, I’m struck by what a difficult time my late 20s was. I suspect I was happy to see the end of that decade. At least Gilmore Girls was on the air by then!

If you’re out of your 20s, how was that decade for you? If you’re in them, how’s it going? If you’re not there yet(!!!!) what do you hope will happen?

a year ago….

Mar3

Tomorrow is what I am calling my one year anniversary with mr. strivingcynic. The coffee date I wrote about here took place one year ago tomorrow.

last night's dessert commemorated the upcoming anniversary (and helped me eat more valentine's day candy).

The thing is, for the last year, I’ve compared my life now (living with my boyfriend) to my previous life a year before (where I couldn’t envision having a boyfriend much less living with him!). And I’ve realized that I’m going to lose this 1 year comparison ability….and I’m a little lost thinking I’m going to lose it.

I think this has to do with the fact that for such a long time part of my identity was being single. And I ended up thinking about being single quite a bit. Because, often if you’re single…people want to know, for lack of a better phrase, what’s wrong with you. I heard the word “picky” a lot….I got asked if I would be willing to try online dating (I think if you have a more open mindset than I do, online dating works, my cynicism and trust issues make me a bad candidate), people wanted to set me up with men who they thought I should hit it off with because they were also single (ummm, not really what I consider having things in common).

Mind you, I never asked for boyfriend advice, never asked to be set up….but people insisted that I had to have this…that I was “missing out.” [All of this amazed me....it reminded me of when I was an overweight teen and people also insisted on letting me know I was heavy. Yeah. I knew...I did something about it when I was ready....and when mr. sc asked me out, I felt scared, but ultimately ready to see where it led]. Clearly, the topic still makes me defensive….because there was nothing wrong with me. I enjoyed my solitary ways, but I was willing to try something new.

As you can see, all of these memories and thoughts are so close to the surface that I have to stop and say, that is who you were, but now, this is who you are. Just like people who met me after I lost weight are shocked to hear I was heavier….people accept that I have a boyfriend and don’t know I was pretty happily single until I was 38.

And tomorrow, we’ll celebrate the fact that I accept that too.

I'm on a new path (I know, cheesy, but it's a pretty photo, taken by mr. sc)

food, friendship, and kitty ferocity!

Feb20

Wow…I feel like it’s been way too long since I posted anything. I guess I’m finding blogging a bit addictive (definitely need to start stockpiling posts) and I miss my bloggy exchanges with others!

The flowers that mr. strivingcynic gave me have been blooming and are just incredibly beautiful. We figure they have a few more days life in them.

tulips courtesy of mr. sc

So, the last few days have been pretty busy…I took the day off work on Friday and went to the City (NYC) to roam around with a friend and enjoy the 60ish degree weather. My friend had gotten Groupons to several vegan places (if you’re into chocolate, checkout Cocoa V [the spiced hot chocolate was incredible and rich], if you’re into good [vegan] food in general, there’s the V Note…. excellent). We also hung out in High Line Park, which is above street level.

hanging out at high line

Yesterday was more food (Jersey suburbs style). I met some friends for lunch at Cheesecake Factory (if you split a piece of fudgey, caramelly cheesecake three ways, it doesn’t count, right?). There were a bunch of us, some with kids in tow, and since we were so wedged in silverware kept getting knocked over. After leaving, I felt something poking me…in one of the outer pockets of my purse…butter knife. I walked back in and explained to the hostess that I was with a children and well, now this was in my purse. She seemed happy enough to get it back (shame on me since I’m fairly sure I knocked the knife off the table).

It was nice meeting all my friends in these different places, but I’m often struck at the nature of friendships and how things change over the years. My Cheesecake Factory friends are people I’ve known since college and have mostly married and had children….so my new cohabiting/first valentine’s day celebrating lifestyle was really curious for them. I do find it funny how they’ll say things to the effect of  “you won’t see flowers again after you’re done dating” (I wouldn’t say mr. sc and I are “dating” [a term we both hated...] since we live together…on the other hand, I  don’t think any of them moved in with their men until they were engaged). I have less in common with them now, but I still enjoy seeing them.  The New York friend is a little more like me (we met on the job, have similar career paths and romantic histories) and is a fun person to explore the more offbeat (my college friends would find vegan a little “out there”) options with. Always interesting to consider how people come into your life, how long they stick around, and what forms the basis of your friendships. Clearly, food is up there! (On a side note, I wimped out on photographing my food [obviously]. I’ll have to work my way up to that…but I’m using my camera a lot more than I used to.)

We had some crazy wind Friday night and yesterday. Strivingcynic cat was going a bit batty listening to it and decided it was time to get a better view of the world outside.

strivingcynic cat checks out the wind!

He was ready for battle!

strivingcynic cat channels godzilla!

(I know he’s out of focus, [good luck getting a cat to sit still], but this cracked me up!)

Does anyone else find that their friendships have changed or have friendships based on particular activities? Does anyone else have a pet that wants to fight the weather? Has anyone else conveniently blamed a child for something they were responsible for? I wonder about these things!